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Patriots say study proves ball deflation “Not Human Caused”

January 26th, 2015 · No Comments

This guest post is the from the passionate and dedicated James Wells.

The New England Patriots pointed to a study released todayfootball - treo_051809_001_web which they say shows that the alleged deflation of footballs in recent games was not due to human causes.

From the executive summary of the report, “DeflateGate: Basic Science and Deflating the Hyperbole”:

It’s just natural variation.

Footballs have had different inflation pressures for thousands of years.

The Edelman research firm authored the report, building on their robust track record swatting away the damaging efforts of environmentalists to impede progress.

As their spokesperson said at the report’s release,

It’s a little different from our normal work, but we saw an opportunity to protect an American business from overzealous conspiracy theorists.

Economist Bjorn Lomborg, who contributed to the study, said

It’s really a question of where teams choose to put their resources.

Do they want to whine about alleged rule breaking, or should they focus on better pass defense?

“This whole case is just an excuse to impose over-regulation and Soviet style collectivism on the game,” put in Newt Gingrich. “Teams supply their own footballs – that’s a market-based solution. If the league insists on measuring ball pressure, or even executing a takeover of the ball supply, where will it end?”

“And don’t let scientists get hold of this one,” Gingrich added. “They will parley this into grants for season-long tailgating “research” junkets to all the best games at taxpayer expense.”

The American Enterprise Institute provided a supporting statement.

Out of all the teams in the league, it’s normal variation that one of them is going to have an insanely low rate of fumbles, year after year. And that team happens to be the Patriots. It’s only envious carping to complain if their excellence has led them to be the best One Percent of all teams ever in avoiding fumbles.

Unfortunately, the release of the study was marred by a conversation caught in a live microphone at an industry conference. Edelman Vice President Lauri Hennessey was heard appearing to mock people who might be concerned about fair play, saying “When I’m talking to people in Seattle, of course I say I’m concerned about ball deflation. They’re pretty wacky out there.”

Senator James Inhofe quickly embraced the study.

This deflation scare is all a hoax.

It’s arrogance to presume that any person can control the pressure to which a football is inflated.

Some things are just up to God.

Patriots means America, and America means God.

So whatever inflation was in those balls, we should just accept it.

Patriots quarterback Tom Brady also invoked powerful patriotic images to lay the controversy to rest.

America loves a winner.

America loves results.

From a results point of view, not getting caught is the same as not cheating.

References

Thanks to northwest Washington photographer and environmental educator Paul K Anderson for the idea that led to this diary.

The original quote from the (real) Lauri Hennessey from Edelman was in part:

I was speaking to the audience in Seattle, and I was like, “Well of course we’re concerned about climate change. Everyone’s concerned about climate change. But what we’re saying is this is not going to contribute to climate change.”But someone from Peabody got on a call, it was my second week on the job, and said, “You were quoted saying coal’s worried about climate change? We don’t believe in climate change!”  And I remember I was on the phone and I was like, “I can’t say that..ha. I can’t say that in Seattle!”

Photo credit: Deflated football courtesy of Kevin Dean.

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Tags: Energy